exexexexex

ughhh jealousy is evil. it's all consuming. it makes even the sanest of us jumpy, paranoid, ugly. it makes me think and believe the worst. it takes form as passive aggression, straight out aggression, sleepless nights, an extra drink i probably didn't need it, a pack of cigarettes i definitely didn't need. it's something i think i have under control--everything is smooth and shiny and looks just right but then. something happens. a text, a comment, a random thought, and the surface cracks and crumbles to reveal a red, burning rash beneath. the smooth and shiny is thin and brittle 

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my boyfriend is still friends with his ex. they talk fairly regularly. i know this because sometimes i'll see her name pop up every now and then when he gets a text. i know this because he's told me they're still friends. i've confronted him about it--told him i wanted to make sure he didn't still have feelings for her, told him i wanted to understand the edges and boundaries of their current relationship. he said the right things to make me feel better. and yet.

after my ex and i broke up i wanted nothing to do with him. i had never felt closer with anyone than i had with him and when it ended--that sharp, sudden, shock--i couldn't imagine having any sort of relationship with him that wouldn't softly reek of what we once shared. i still can't.

my boyfriend's done nothing wrong. i need to trust him because why wouldn't i. but jesus it's hard. and recently i've been fantasizing about seeing some text from his ex that would validate all my awful suspicions and allow that frenetic energy inside my brain and my veins to take a damning shape and morph into something real.

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jealousy shines a bright light on my insecurities, my bits and pieces where i feel less than. i'm smart but i don't know enough about the right sorts of things. i'm sexy but it's not kinky or adventurous. i'm funny but it's not the same.

when i confronted him about my feelings, my boyfriend said he invited his ex to his birthday party but she didn't want to come because she thought i'd hate her. i don't know why he told me that. perhaps to make me feel better? so that i'd know she knows about me and views me as some sort of...adversary? i've thought a lot about the comment and this small opening into their relationship. i wonder why she assumes i'd be so petty and i find it interesting that she placed the blame of not attending the party on my perceived hatred and discomfort rather than hers. i don't generally hate people i've never met and know very little about--even if they did used to fuck my boyfriend. i wonder if we'll ever meet.

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i don’t ignore emotions; jealousy receives my agonizing indulgence and analysis for better or worse. i hate that it's grounded in...nothing solid, that's for sure. just my own messy conjectures. i hate that there's no one to blame for my feelings except myself. i hate that this is something i'll have to continue managing because i can only beg for the same reassurance from my boyfriend so many times before it becomes unbearable. i hate that i'm 99 percent certain there's nothing to worry about but i'm so hung up on that 1 percent.

with clarity and solid mindedness i can remind myself that i'm a pretty cool human being and i'm in a pretty cool relationship with someone who likes me and respects me and all that jazz. if anything is going on, it'll find its way out--it almost always does. in the meantime it's much less exhausting to not worry.