Anxious, unemployed, happy new year

In the beginning of November I was laid off. This was a blessing, no disguise necessary. My job sucked the soul right out of me and now I'm forced to find a new one that maybe won't. My last day was right before Thanksgiving and from then on up until New Year's Eve I gave myself a holiday. I travelled lots and barely looked for jobs. It felt good.

Now the holidays are over and the emptiness of my days stretches out so far I can't see their edges. This makes me anxious. I'm a person who takes solace in plans. It comforts me to know when, where, and what I'm doing because it makes the hours where I do nothing more bearable.

There's not much structure to my days, even though I try to assemble them in one way or another. My anxiety buzzes in my ears and makes my stomach queasy. I've found it easier to take this anxiety and channel it into my relationship, giving my darkest and ugliest thoughts lots of fuel to grow.

I suppose it's not surprising I let myself go sick with worry over one of the only stable and good parts of my life. Is it because I can't let myself worry about how directionless and despondent my job search is? Is it a way of self sabotage? I feel my self esteem shrinking by the day; my insecurities swell, soon to burst. I fear I'll find some way to get out of this relationship so I can avoid fixing myself.

I also fear: losing control getting hurt feeling blindsided.

I wrote the other post I published today months ago. Of course I've still had a nagging discomfort about my boyfriend's friendship with his ex and earlier this week I turned to cheesy advice columns to help me work through it. I found a surprisingly helpful one that said you must relinquish control. You must cultivate trust. People are going to do what they want to do. People are going to do what they want to do.

When I reread the draft I thought it captured my feelings nicely; it had a hopeful ending.

I hope I don't  continue to obsess over little things, turn them into monsters, suffer greatly. I hope I can love myself enough to accept and embrace where I am right now, or at least be OK with where I am right now. I hope I can remember that I'm the only one who can make me happy and my happiness is paramount. I hope I keep writing because right now I feel calm and I want to hold on to this for as long as I can.