red and raw

I hate when I feel low and awful about my life. I think about where I'm at right now: coming out of unemployment but my new job is slow to start and my days are still filled with blankness, it's the middle of winter and it's hard to motivate myself to get out there and do something, I'm in a relationship with someone I love but at times it feels unfulfilling and I can't pinpoint where it's coming from, I am still, and probably always will be, unsatisfied with my friendships/lack thereof.

I've often been...sad about my life but I've always pulled through it--talk myself out of it, go on a walk, clear my head, gain perspective. I don't know how to recognize my sadness for what it is. Simply part of my human experience or does it traipse into real and true depression?

When I think about the times I've felt most unhappy in my life I can usually boil it down to boredom and....I don't know...I imagine myself desperately grasping at things I think I need to feel happy, I see others gorge on it, and I can't wrap my fingers around anything solid. I can't hold on to anything.

Sometimes I feel like I'm floating above myself, watching every move and cringing. Sometimes I can't believe I'm here,  that I've lived all these experiences, that this is really where I'm at. It is often unsatisfying.

A life is only small if you're constantly comparing it to others. And I guess I do that and I guess I should stop. It's hard though. It's getting harder and harder to be OK with what I've got and I don't know what to do. Right now I'm wallowing and drinking and it's not great but. I'm sick of telling myself this day is almost over and you can forget it and start over tomorrow because tomorrow is the same as the day before as the day before as the day before

I like to end self-pitying rants on a somewhat positive note but it's starting to seem artificial. Fine. Whatever. I'll be fine. I know I will. It's nice to remind myself I will. It's nice to swim in these ugly sticky dank thoughts but I'll take a breath before I drown.