Write the right way

I was feeling restless, nostalgic tonight. I remembered that I used to write in a journal, I used to write fiction, I used to write a screenplay. All for school, of course. But upon rereading my old stuff that I have stored away in boxes and bins I found I wasn't as embarrassed for myself as I thought I would be. I cannot tell if this is because my ego is a tender little thing that must be gently caressed and reassured or if I'm actually a good writer. Probably a mix of both.

Lately I've been trying to come to terms with the fact that...maybe I just don't like to write. If I really wanted to be a writer, I would write. I would put in the effort, make it a priority. It's simply not. I don't know what is a priority for me right now and I often feel like I'm just floating through my life, letting things happen and not giving a damn.

My enormous problem lies in my perceptions of what the end game should be. It has always been: get published, become well known, make loads of money off of the fruits of my creative labor. A writer writes because she has to, because she wants to, because she needs to express herself. Not because she wants to make money. Wanting to make money and gain recognition are, I think, pretty natural and human expectations when one makes her creative work available to the public but it is not the guiding force and motivation.

I worry I won't ever be able to reach a point where the motivation for my writing is for me and my own emotional health and well being. Perhaps I'm limiting myself into thinking that this is some sort of natural feeling, that I can't train myself into thinking this way. Maybe I can and I'm just lazy. I always say I'll try; I never do. And I'm not sure what changes I need to make to shake myself out of this inertia.